Meeting in a bar
by Kalduin
Summary: A bar for vampires and vampire hunters, a place where temporary peace exists. Until another customer enters. Crossover and complete crack. Not to be taken seriously. Unless you want.


A bar. A place where ordinary people don't find themselves. A place where rules of logic themselves bended to fit the nature of it's clients. And especially the relationships of these customers. Or the lack of it. Those hated enemies who would usually like nothing better than rip each other to shreds were sitting quietly behind their drinks and simply enjoying the moment. And it was Happy Hour.

In left corner, a black skinned man was constantly falling asleep and waking up, just before his face would have hit the glass of vodka right in front of him. How did his sunglasses stay on despite his head making such movements was strange the least. But maybe it was due to the nature of the logic defying flow of the bar. Or maybe just a sign of professional vampire slayer who can retain his cool even when completely wasted. Next to him, on his right hand sat a large man with blonde hair. Eyes were hidden behind his shining round glasses, but it looked like he had had quite some glasses as well.

Several seats right to him sat another very tall man in red coat. His yellow sunglasses barely showing his melancholic eyes. Count was remembering days long forgotten.  
Two seats to his right sat a blonde woman with long skirt, seemingly staring at her drink. But her eyes revealed that she had already lost consciousness.

Seat next to right of her was empty. Or had just been empty. Customer next to that seat sighed. Remilia hated when Arcueid got drunk. Because that empty seat between them had just been filled by some weird cat like creature who looked like a love child between Arcueid and cat. And that creature was noisy. And irritating. Remilia was feeling that her cup of tea is becoming tasteless. It didn't help that her younger sister Flandre was running around the bar, chased by that cosplay fanatic Evangeline. Remilia sighed when Flandre blew another hole into Evangeline's chest. How long will they go at it. Slightly turning her head, she looked at Evangeline who was regenerating and still didn't seemed to have given up on her desire to shove Flandre into one of her Goth Loli outfits.

"Seriously," went through Remilia's head, "those two really lack elegance!" Remilia took another sip from her cup, holding her little finger up.

Behind her, were the tables that were barely ever used. Remilia wished that it would have stayed so. So surely did not appreciate the noises that those two were making. Things were good as long vampires and vampire slayers stayed ton their own parts of the bar. It was a good tradition. And now it had been broken. Older Scarlet sister sighed again. Was it really necessary to make this much noise?!  
Before she could continue her irritated thought, another customer entered. Remilia turned her head along with Alucard and looked at the entrance where a young man was standing unsure of what to do next. Remilia's jaw dropped. And she thought those two were annoying!  
Evangeline who had managed to tackle Flandre down and was in the process of removing her clothes, had stopped and was staring at the newcomer as well. Some of the other customers felt the silence as well. Father Alexander Andersen raised his head from his drink and turned over to look. His face expressed extreme disgust. Even Nekoarc had stopped pestering Remilia and could only stare with her mouth open, light shining on her little fangs.

"Um... I heard this was a good place to... well... forget your troubles and so..."  
Newcomer was having trouble facing all this attention. Hesitatingly making a small step towards the bar, he tried to nod for a welcome and blend in, but it was impossible.  
Count Dracula, now known as Alucard, had slowly stood up and stared at the newcomer who froze to where he was standing.

"I... I have seen dogs. I have seen humans. I have seen all sorts of creatures, many not qualifying to be even called shit... but you..."  
Alucard's voice was calm, but listeners felt his deep anger swelling up inside of him.  
"YOU'RE A DISGRACE!" Count's shout echoed through the bar, making Nekoarc fell of from her chair.  
"You're entire existence is a pathetic joke! You make us all look like retards! I rather drink with Letze Battalion's ghouls, than accept you as one of us!"

"AMEN!" Andersen, still sitting, raised his glass.

"Even that cliché in Harry Potter was more of a nosferatu than someone like you!" Count's anger continued to raise.  
Andersen nodded: "I wouldn't be ashamed slaying something like that."

"You made a joke out of all of us! You disgraced my entire existence! Being the first one, the one to give birth to our genre..."

"Actually I was the first one." Carmilla interrupted Count's drunken speech without looking away from the woman she was straddling. Buffy Summers mumbled something angrily at her, while vampire smile and unbuttoned tied up and gagged vampire slayer's blouse.

After a moment of silence during what Alucard stood at the same pose he had just before interrupted, he continued:  
"Being the most famous one, the one to make our genre famous, I'll shoot down your shitty Bishie Sparkles, Edward Cul... Cul... [Count tried to drag something out from his alcohol hazed memory.]

"Cullen...," managed newcomer drop.

"Silence you dog!" Count pulled out his gun and aimed at Edward Cullen's head. "I'll make sure to never let you disgrace us again!" Loud shots echoed through the bar, destroying part of the bar. Frozen in fear, EdwardCullen stood. Unharmed. Count stared at him shocked.  
"You're too drunk to hit anything, Hellsing's dog." Andersen's voice cut through the silence.

"Then finish it yourself, Judas Priest!" Yelled enraged and barely standing Count back.

"I would be too embarrassed to even hit something like this with my bayonettes! God gave me those to fight holy war in His name! Not for something like this! I'd be Iscariot's laughing stock, when it comes out His servant's holy bayonette's touched something like that! Growled Andresen back.

The noises had woken up Andersen's neighbour. Blade stood slowly up, turned over and walked past Alucard, stopping in front of dumbfounded Edward Cullen.  
"You..."  
"Y-yes?!"  
"I like you." Blade smiled and puffed alcohol imbued breath into vampire's face. His left hand massaged Edward's chest and his right hand moved down to his crotch.  
Terrified Cullen screamed and turned over to run. But Blade jumped on his back and took his neck into tight grip.  
"Your ass between my legs feels so..."  
How did Edward Cullen's ass feel was left mystery as vampire ran screaming out form the bar, vampire slayer clinging to his back.  
Alucard and Andersen stared for moment,  
"That was a very dangerous technique," broke Alucard silence.  
"Aye," said Andersen.  
"Let's take one more for that."  
"Amen."


End file.
